Cheeses and Wombats and Smurfs, Oh My!
by TaintedAngel26
Summary: When everything goes wrong, Scooter takes the wheel. With runaway cheeses, unruly Vikings, a clan of SPCA wombats, a broken stove, and an acting troop of wannabe actor-Smurfs, this should be one show to remember! Currently on HIATUS!
1. Pre Curtain Drama

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these characters, cheeses, wombats, or Smurfs.

Cheeses and Wombats and Smurfs, Oh My!

It seemed like just an ordinary night at the theatre. Statler and Waldorf were, as usual, in their box, preparing to ridicule whoever and whatever was to come out onto the stage. It was a full house; not one seat was empty. The audience was starting to get restless. The Muppets were already ten minutes late in starting. What else was new?

From the audience, everything appeared normal. And then one went backstage…

"THE CHEESE IS ON THE LOOSE!" Kermit screamed over the hubbub of the actors. "LOOK OUT FOR THE CHEESE!"

Dr. Honeydew and Beaker appeared out of their adjacent dressing rooms. Kermit crashed into the former as he ran across the backstage area. When he saw who he had hit, Kermit began to fume.

"YOU!" He yelled in Dr. Honeydew's face. "This is all your fault! If you weren't constantly experimenting with dairy products in that blasted lab of yours, we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place! Talking cheese, my foot! That lump of Limburger is scheduled to go on in ten minutes, and if he isn't located by that time, we're all ruined. The crowd loves him! He tells jokes, they laugh. Portrait of a comedy show. But if you and that beeping, walking freakshow of yours intend on keeping your jobs, I suggest you get moving AND FIND ME THAT CHEESE!

Dr. Honeydew wasn't about to argue with that. "Come along, Beaker. Let's go find the cheese," he muttered as he caught his assistant's hand and sidled past his employer.

"Kermit! Kermit!" Fozzie called as he pushed his way through the crowd to the frog. "We have a little problem."

"The cheese, I know," Kermit mumbled.

"No, no, it's not that," said Fozzie softly. "Uh, you know FooFoo, Miss Piggy's dog?"

"Yes, unfortunately I'm acquainted with the little beast."

"He's missing."

Kermit screamed and ran away down the hall.

"Well, he took that pretty well," Fozzie noted to himself.

Kermit ran into his office, breathless and frazzled, where Scooter was reviewing some paperwork. His assistant looked up with a smile.

"Hey, Kerm. Show start yet?"

"No!" Kermit cried. "My cheese and my poodle are on the loose!"

Scooter furrowed his orange brow, puzzled. "Come again, Kerm?"

"Oh, Scooter. You know the new act, Cheese Gone Wild, with the live cheese that Bunsen created?"

"Who, Dr. Honeydew? Yeah. It's a crowd fave."

"Well, it just ran away."

"What, that quack never trained the thing?"

"I don't know," Kermit continued in exasperation. "Apparently not. Anyway, the cheese has the opening act, and if we haven't got it in ten minutes, the crowd may leave! A _walk-out_, Scooter! A _walk-out_! We can't afford that. I've sent the bumbling fool and his reject counterpart to find it, but I doubt they are competent enough for a job like that. Scooter, I need backup!"

Scooter thought for a minute, then said. "OK, and you were saying something about a poodle?"

Kermit sighed. "Yeah, FooFoo is missing too."

"Piggy's pooch made a run?"

"Uh-huh. Probably started chasing the cheese, and the cheese obviously ran. It's probably all linked together. But Piggy is having a nervous breakdown. I'm having a nervous breakdown. We're already thirteen minutes behind schedule, and FooFoo is supposed to go on with Piggy and Rolf in the third number! HELP!!!"

"Calm down, Kerm," said Scooter as he came up to his boss. "Do you have the script?"

"Yeah."

"OK, we'll make a few minor adjustments, rearrange the order of the numbers a bit, and everything will be fine."

"Thanks, Scoot, I owe you one," Kermit breathed.

"Now, get the whole cast together backstage for a quick meeting. But we'd better send someone on to appease the crowd. They're probably pretty anxious by now. And Statler and Waldorf are probably placing some rude comments through the intercom as we speak."

"Do you think they'll start sometime this century?" Statler asked Waldorf in their box.

"Nothing's impossible," replied Waldorf.

"Try slamming a revolving door," said Statler.


	2. Name That Tune!

Kermit exited his office, slightly renewed. The first person he met was Rolf.

"Rolf, I need your help," he began. "Listen, too much to explain. I need you to keep the crowd happy. Get out your piano, play them something, anything. Mozart, _Star Wars_, whatever you think of…but keep playing. Do you think you can go for about ten minutes?"

"Sure, Kerm," Rolf replied cheerfully. "Anything for you."

"Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I owe you one, Rolf."

"Stay cool, Kerm."

Kermit scuttled off to find Fozzie, while Rolf ran over to his dressing room, rolled his small piano through the door, grabbed some random music, and dashed onto the stage. He set up the piano at center stage, set the music on the holder, and moved downstage to address the audience.

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to The Muppet Show! We have some very special acts planned for you today…uh, it's sure to be a memorable show."

"It won't be if you don't hurry up!" Statler yelled from his box. The audience erupted into laughter.

"Thank you, thank you very much," Rolf muttered, then cleared his throat and continued. "So, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, let the show begin!"

A moment of awkward silence followed. Rolf nervously shifted his weight and glanced backstage for some help. Then, he decided to dive right in.

"Right. OK, for our first act, we'll be doing something a little _interactive_." Awkward silence followed again.

"Ahem, as you have probably guessed, it will involve a piano…"

"Is that the best line you can think of, dog?" A rowdy monkey in the audience screamed.

"Hey," Rolf said, grasping desperately for a hook for the audience. The fish sure weren't biting. "don't underestimate this set of keys, folks. She's got a few surprises left in her. Who's up for _Name That Tune_?"

A chorus of cheers shot from the audience. Rolf let out a barely audible sigh of relief, then returned to his piano. He pulled out a random sheet of music and began to play. Fifteen seconds later, he stopped.

"Now, who recognized that?"

The audience was silent.

"Oh, come on!" Rolf exclaimed cheerfully. "You don't know _Three Sausages in Madrid_? It's a classic. Here, I'll try another one."

Rolf coughed and played a few bars of another tune. Then, he turned to the audience. "Any guesses?"

When the audience was silent, he laughed nervously. "You guys don't know _Artichoke Serenade_?"

Everyone groaned. Rolf had a feeling his act wasn't going very well. Then, he had an idea.

"Obviously, we don't have the same taste in music!" he began shakily. "Here's an idea: how about you shout out a song, and I'll try to play it. You know, custom concert!"

The crowd, once again, erupted into cheers. Maybe they were really interested, or maybe they had just had enough of Rolf's food-oriented airs. Nevertheless, it gave Rolf a boost of confidence.

In his box, Waldorf had concocted a plan—something bound to keep the audience happy. He rose from his seat and yelled to Rolf:

"Play _The Bumblebee_!" His suggestion was followed by shouts of agreement.

If Rolf's face could've turned pale, this would have been the moment. He searched in vain for a proper excuse, but he felt he had to post some kind of protest, no matter how lame.

"Uh, I thought it was only for violin."

"Then get out your violin!" Waldorf called.

"But I don't even play violin!" Rolf screamed back.

"THEN WHAT ARE WE ARGUING ABOUT?" Statler shouted.

That seemed to close the argument. A resigned Rolf trudged over to the piano, cracked his knuckles, pulled out his sheet music, took a deep breath, and began to play. By the fourth measure, Rolf was playing every third note incorrectly. Luckily, he was playing so fast that it was hardly noticeable. Somehow, he speeded through the impossible piece. When he was finished, the audience erupted into shouts of, "More, more, more!"

Poor Rolf groaned. But he had made a promise…and there was no way he was going to let Kermit down. The crowd made him play the song four times. By the end of the fourth, his head was swimming, the notes were jumping off the page, and his fingers were numb. Just when he slid out of his seat and took a bow, supporting himself on his piano, Statler shouted out:

"Hey, dog. Why don't you put in some lyrics?"

And, with that, Rolf's eyes rolled back into his head, and he fainted at centre stage.


End file.
